Yep, the Fed Cup graced (if that’s the right word) Aussie shores on the Easter weekend. Australia defeated Belarus in Brisvegas, which means that once the hangovers subside (November), the gals will face France back downunder.
To the untrained eye, the ITF passes itself off as the FIFA of tennis (erm) with its pomp and circumstance, while the Fed Cup actually looks more like Girls Gone Wild:
THIS IS THE GREATEST PHOTO I HAVE EVER SEEEEEEN @corinnedubreuil. pic.twitter.com/o7JGBMDUUi— Courtney Nguyen (@FortyDeuceTwits) April 22, 2019
There’s a lot to say about tennis in general (new post coming soon), but here’s why the Fed Cup particularly makes me go “what the Fed?!”
The terminology
The fact that matches are called "rubbers" makes me giggle. "Dead rubber" sounds a bit necrophilic, too. It’s as if the organisers are trying to capitalise on clothing fetishes. Speaking of...
The fashion
Cue the daggy synchronised fashion as the teams dress like Mean Girls meets a nationalist gang on court and a hens night off it. Even the coaches get their own Dance Moms getup. Daria Gavrilova agrees:
Bridesmaid's for hire! Anyone interested? pic.twitter.com/oRIFcw1sZK— Daria Gavrilova (@Daria_gav) April 19, 2019
No apostrophe needed, darl. Also, I'm not sure you'd be very good at giving meltdown advice. See below as to why.
Photo credit: Fernando Colon pic.twitter.com/aHGxf1WSDu— TennisAustralia (@TennisAustralia) February 8, 2019
I think I saw those leopard-skin boots on Upper Middle Bogan. Not going to comment on the photographer's last name.
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| Even a tennis career won't get you out of military conscription! © Cristina Hutu |
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| Tiles in a photoshoot - seriously? I wonder if they were Czechered… I should stop. |
The dinner parties
It looks like the players are joining a cult or other weird secret society. Or, some kind of international lesbian conference. Margaret Court would sure be proud...
It looks like the players are joining a cult or other weird secret society. Or, some kind of international lesbian conference. Margaret Court would sure be proud...
"Anyone for doubles??" ;)
Doubles
Need I say more? Bring on the usual shenanigans like hi-fiving after losing a point and add more. This time there are singles players who have a delusion that they can play doubles well at a drop of a hat, or should I say, a set. When some players lose their singles rubber, it seems that they also lose the mental capacity to play tennis entirely *cough* Daria Gavrilova…
I think I’m going to call Daria “Gavril Lavigne” from now on, cos she’s just a bit emo. A bit troppo, too, as shown here. When in Queensland, I suppose!
The Fed Cup is officially where shit goes down. That should be their motto. Who doesn't love tantrums of international proportions?
If I were an umpire I’d be thanking the stars that the chair is elevated. It’s enough when one player starts going rabid, so imagine what it’s like to have the rest of the posse join in. It reminds me of the team reactions you see in soccer when someone gets red-carded. Perhaps that’s why there’s always that one guy who thinks it’s okay to bring their vuvuzela to the Fed Cup. FIFA 2010 called, it wants its noise pollution back.
And that’s when it’s actually related to tennis.
Sure, a bunch of countries coming together sounds good in theory, but cultural insensitivity can spoil it. The headline US Tennis says sorry for using Nazi-era anthem before Germany Fed Cup match says it all.
Things can get personal too, just the way it did in the Great Britain vs Romania showdown a couple of years back. Romanian coach Ilie Nastase (known as “the Buffoon of Bucharest”) sure lived up to his name:
The lines between tennis, pro wrestling and a rowdy music festival were blurred when Simona Halep grabbed a microphone during the incident and told the crowd to calm their farm.
Phew. I think the Fed Cup is like the world itself - weird and wonderful with highs and lows, but at its core, good fun when everyone’s a good sport.
— Fed Cup (@FedCup) April 21, 2019"This crowd is unreal"
Hear from Australia's #FedCup heroes, @ashbar96 & @bambamsam30...
Oh, we see you @Daria_gav 😂 pic.twitter.com/mS6h7HfWFH
Just kidding, we love you, Dasha.
The spats
Ouft, that att'tood!
And that’s when it’s actually related to tennis.
Sure, a bunch of countries coming together sounds good in theory, but cultural insensitivity can spoil it. The headline US Tennis says sorry for using Nazi-era anthem before Germany Fed Cup match says it all.
Things can get personal too, just the way it did in the Great Britain vs Romania showdown a couple of years back. Romanian coach Ilie Nastase (known as “the Buffoon of Bucharest”) sure lived up to his name:
"...(inaudible) f*cking job, you don't have a job, you stupid!"
The lines between tennis, pro wrestling and a rowdy music festival were blurred when Simona Halep grabbed a microphone during the incident and told the crowd to calm their farm.
Phew. I think the Fed Cup is like the world itself - weird and wonderful with highs and lows, but at its core, good fun when everyone’s a good sport.