'king lol

Get this person a medal, stat! #womanyellingatcatmeme

Merry Christmas from the Murrays!

Some context here if you need it, but do you really? 

Fed Cup Final 2019

The Fed Cup brings such… um… colour to tennis (as illustrated in this post).

 

Oh, the joy!?

Both the Aussie and French fans were out in force over the weekend in Perth for the final:

Who knew that Deal or No Deal's popular in France, too!

While the party atmosphere was fever pitch, the Aussie team put on an intimidating front:

Sam: "I'm being very serious. I've also had a beer."

Well, most of them...

Oh Dasha, you wouldn't hurt a fly!

Some French fans also managed to keep it in and stay grounded. I’d say that this was fair, given there wasn’t much to celebrate with poor Caroline Garcia getting double-bageled by none other than Ash Barty. While doing absolutely nothing for France that day, Caro did earn a place in the shit shots hall of fame. I think the authorities will have her deported by morning!

But the tables turned when Ash lost her singles rubber the following day:

"Who's a happy little Vegemite again?? Seriously, I don't know..."

In a decider, Tomljanovic rose to the occasion while the seemingly oblivious Parmentier phoned it in, French-style. Aussie hopes hung in the balance until Sam Stosur and Ash Barty made some big boo-boos and let the whole nation down.

Juust kidding. Do not despair, Straya Siztas! You did incredibly well to get this far and got some cute mini trophies/takeaway championship-to-gos for your efforts. They’re the perfect size for drowning your sorrows in rum or other favourite spirit. Aussie spirit, that is!

Margaret Court Just Wants Equality…

According to this article and wicked typo:

Ermagerd tenrnis

This comment is gold though...



Also, while you are indeed a tennis legend, publicly saying that you want to be honoured is a bit rich. Rumour has it that you might be a little too fast on the approach. C'mon, Marg, be patient and play nice!

Flushing Meadows Digest (US Open 2019)

Let all of the toilet/digestion puns ensue.

I’ve been losing track of time given the number of grand slams that have come and gone so quickly. This Rolex clock isn’t helping…

 

“It’s !@#$? o’clock somewhere!”

One thing I’ve noticed with the US Open compared to the other majors is that there is no culture to take interest in whatsoever. I also think that there is neither a culture of interest nor knowledge of McTennis™ either:

That’s one way to misspell Elina Svitolina...

Someone proofreading this vs the conversion of human identities: I don't know which is more likely...

As usual though, player antics kept things interesting. Check out this piss-weak handshake by Camilla Giorgi, it’s even slimier in slow-mo:

Burrrrnn.

The US Open’s YouTube channel has continued to provide me with lots of gold:


I misread this guy's surname for 'Swoon'.

Including plenty for the (sadly) regular installment of… shots that went down the shitter. Plus some weird bits and bobs for your viewing pleasure:

I couldn’t resist putting Alison Riske’s grunts to some Nirvana. I’m not the only one who’s perplexed by them:



"Gosh darnnit, h-why?!"

Despite the bad ones, there were some blazing shots. I had these reactions to many of them:

via GIPHY

Wowee, Bianca Andrescu, you blew Serena off the court! Serena screwed herself over a bit which was entertaining, but you ruled! I made so many signs of the horns while I watched the match.

I hope the umpires said to the crowds, “shut the fuck up during points!” ‘cos I sure did. But it’s all over now, and time to move on to quieter pastures like Asia for the rest of the tour. What a relief…

Rookie Error

This is exactly what I did on my first ever point of competition tennis when I was fourteen. It's safe to say that it was an omen for my short-lived and unsuccessful career. Feliciano though, a pro like you? Maate... 

Wimbledon 2019

Having been plastered on clay, the players are now on the grass. I must be too as I feel a bit trippy upon looking at the striped lawn:

Trippin’ balls, to be precise.

Give it a week though, and it will look more like a shitty local cricket pitch:

Done.

I’ve been up to my eyeballs in tennis in the last couple of months. As Roland-Garros and Wimbledon are within weeks of each other, June into July is like one big bender. It’s not all roses and tennis in an English garden, though, for there have been many complaints about Wimbledon’s official YouTube coverage:

I think you mean Coco…

I must say;

Funnies… really?

I think the comments are bit harsh, though. I’ve enjoyed hearing from Nick McCarvel and Daniela Hantuchova. Daniela’s a darl. Nick and Babs (Strycova)'s interviews are so cute:

In other times, like actually being on court, Babs looked less than impressed:



A career-best run in the tournament is worth smiling for, though!

I have no qualms about the on-court fashion thanks to Wimbledon’s traditions, though someone else does:

I didn’t know that YouTube’s comment section also functions as a suggestion box…

Off-court was a different story. Scotland Yard’s fashion police were on high alert:

The offenders:

Nick: “pls explain”

Jo, you’re great and can wear whatever you like, but ♫“Bananas, in Pyjamas…” ♫

"Salty crew". Maybe 2018 US Open Serena needs this. #toosoon?

Wimbledon radio says, “You look great!”

 

Double glasses = double fault

I’m not even mad. That’s amazing!




I can’t even describe everything on there.


Speed dealer sunnies! Only Martina can pull them off as a certified badass™

Along with the undercover fashion police were those in uniform. It’s a bit funny that the AELTC think they need military personnel just to tell people to sit down. I hope they’re equipped with stun guns 'cos some players get a little feisty…

One of the outside courts is called “the graveyard”. It seems fitting because it’s where tennis dreams come to die, its victims including Ash Barty against Alison Riske. Alison seems really nice though so I’m still happy. Hopefully sports journos wont go overboard with the surname puns like “Riske and reward”. Oh wait…


Gotta Riske it to get the biscuit.

Amid the pomp and circumstance of the most prestigious tennis tournament in the world, oddities stick out that little bit more:

bish lol

I love the blissful unawareness on the right. Let’s make this a “me before…” meme!


Better luck next year, Venus...

One of the unchanging traditions of Wimbledon is Judy Murray being the classic sports mum, handing out beverages as one does at the Saturday morning juniors:



Judy’s hard-nosed grit reminds me of this rough Ulster mum:


I mean, Judy has a spider tattoo on her back ffs

Most players rise to the occasion of Wimbledon and lift their game, whereas some… don’t. Actually, many. Babs, I’m sorry about your train-wreck match against Serena. But if the headline Barbora Strycova strips down to her BRA and downs drinks at wild party is anything to go by, it looks like you won in ladies's doubles. With no one less than Hsieh Su-wei - what a delightful duo! Congratulations also to Simona, our new ladies' champion. I’m stoked for you!

Serena, can you please teach Simo how to do this?



Good luck to all of the players with the hardcourt season and with getting the grass stains out of their whites!

Screenshot credits: Official Wimbledon YouTube Channel

It's Asheville Everywhere

You know you're good when you've got the commentators orgasming and Alicia Molik signalling to raise the bar tab.

 

With Ash's $10,000 Fed Cup Heart Award cheque going to the RSPCA, could she get any better?*

Edit: *Yes. Meet our new world no. 1!

Roland-Garros 2019

Mmm, don’t you just love the smell of clay in the air?

"No."

Well that’s too bad as it means only one thing; Roland-Garros has swept upon us.

There’s a lot to like about this slam. It’s very easy on the eyes with the striking orange against the minimalist, industrial concrete and earthy green. The new beige chairs look elegant. Many commentators agreed, scraping the conversation barrel for which must have been some boring matches. 

I can honestly say that I watched the tennis with one eye while the other was on the fashion in the stands. Take notes, fans! It was nice to see spectators wearing clothes. In Australia, we attend the tennis half-naked cos it’s so damn hot. Not everybody got it right, though…


"I have a killer day." - okay, Dexter?

Still, I think I preferred the fashion off the court compared to on as I wasn't sold on Nike’s patterned tops for the ladies:


Nothing like some clay to complete the look – mud-wrestling fans rejoice!

I mean, yeah, they're cute and preppy but I’m not sure that’s how the competitors wanted to be represented. Nike’s vibrant blues last year made their players look super buff and menacing, showing off their back muscles and not impeding their shoulders the way this year’s line did. Those outfits made the players look more likely to start a career in nursing than bash the shit out of a tennis ball.


I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a family of bees on your shirt.

In other news, Jo Konta began volunteer firefighting, at least according to her outfit:


The fire danger ratings are handy...

For an example of being well dressed however, exhibit A:

Considering the lack of lighting, roofing and Hawkeye, the no-fucks-given culture at RG takes some getting used to. "At least they have Netcam” said no one ever, well… except my mother before we both laughed. Their take no prisoners approach is clear given the tiny dugout the photographers are stuffed into in comparison to Rod Laver Arena’s generous on-court spread. These poor souls are positioned right in the firing line:


"halp pls"

Otherwise, tournament-goers seemed happy:

My dirty mind is having a field day.  

I’ve been loving the minimal sounds from the crowd. At least that was the case when a player wasn’t in a shitty mood and when people actually showed up. There aren’t many “oooh, ahh, as I was saying before blah blah bah” like one hears at other tournaments during a long rally. However, one aspect of tennis etiquette they don’t quite get is the prompt sitting down after change of ends. They just hover towards their chairs nonchalantly while the umpires mumble the usual “…ladies and gentlemen, the players are waiting…” If people did this at Wimbledon, they would be shot. 

As far as actual tennis is concerned, we’ve had some good matches, some real yawns and lots of lowlights (music by moi):
 

"Good match LOL jk" 

Some bad moods for no reason: 

Lol!

I'd hate to see Serena when she's losing... oh, wait #gettheviolinsout 

Behold... more of worst shots from Roland-Garros 2019. How good is Sophie Amiach's commentary, by the way?

I should do a 'worst shots of the year' montage… send in your nuggets!

I couldn’t finish this post without this pic. How cute!

It happen-ed.

Your #RG19 Champion.

First of many. pic.twitter.com/1s8Z7X42wT

— Courtney Nguyen (@FortyDeuceTwits) June 8, 2019

Congratulations, Ash!And to you too, Rafa. I think you’ll need a bigger trophy cabinet?